A Little Help from My Friend

Hi, folks, this note was put on a forum where I’m a member and this friend wrote about her search for God.  I thought it would work very well here, so I grabbed it because I thought it said everything in such a real and substantial way.  Dani lives in Australia where she’s pursuing a counseling career.  Her journey to this place she talks about below has taken her through some very painful places as well as some pretty bizarre alleyways.  I will use pronouns for the name of the man she mentions but otherwise it is written just as she wrote it.

A christian physcologist meant God as the unknown one when he said “The desire God has placed within us is wild in its longing to pursue the One who is unknown.  Its capacity and drive is so powerful that it can only be captured momentarily, in moments of deep soul communion or sexual ecstasy.  And when the moment has passed, we can only hold it as an echo, a haunting of Quicksilver that flashes a remembrance of innocence known and lost and if we have begun to pass into the life of the beloved, a hope of ecstasies yet to come.”  Previous to this he had mentioned moments of spiritual transcendence from no transcendent sources.

I know these moments, I had my first one 3 yrs ago, with (my friend), me first and only, I have never given to anyone what I gave to (him), the trust, closeness I didn’t even know I had it to give.  We never had a sexual relationship or even kissed, but I feel more “one” with him than with anyone else.  When he ended things I thought I would die.  Living with the pain of unfulfilled promises and desires was so intense it nearly killed me.  Then to make the pain go away I tried to kill the desire, then I tried to fill it with other people and things.  Finally I realised through reading that I needed to learn to live with unfulfilled desire.  That God could use these unfulfilled desires, that they were part of being fully alive.

Now I am living with the unfulfilled desire and it’s not so much a pain as a hunger for “something” and this hunger is what drives me to try to understand who God is, and what he wants from me.  I NEVER understood what God really wanted it, it didn’t mean anything to me, seemed an abstract concept…. and I would read what everyone wrote on this site and I sometimes envied them.. and I didn’t know what they meant…

Now I do… 2 nights ago, after reading this God told me what HE wanted from me… He simply said “I want what you gave to (your friend)”  and for the first time ever  really understood, I used to sit on the floor rest me arms on (friend’s) knee’s and just look up at him while he talked… I never cared what he talked about as long as we were together, and I could hear his voice, see his smile, breathe his air, I trusted him with all of me.  This is what God wants (and more) but first I need to deal with what I know, and what I know of me – is what I gave and shared with (my friend), and I understand that much and I can give that to God… I had some incredible moments of intimacy with God, that night, I know that they are but a poor shadow of what he wants so share.  But finally it is a concept I understand…

Incredible to think that God used someone who claims not to believe in him to teach me how to love Him… and it’s taken me 3 years to see why he was in my life, and WHY I HAD TO LET HIM GO. God could not come to me and teach me and work with the hunger when I was not hungry

I get it finally, and the pain was all worth it, God is good,  What lengths he goes to, to pursue my heart


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One Response to “A Little Help from My Friend”

  1. tlc4women Says:

    The pursuer of our souls longs to have some undivided loyalty and precious moments. I wish we could all get this the way this writer did.

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